Get Well Soon.

One in eight employees have reported thoughts of suicide or self-harm, according to a UK study. Here is my story of the edge, my way back, and lessons for people who do the heavy work of carrying the mission in their head and hearts.

On August 24, 2017, my body was supposed to arrive in Virginia. I had a plan. My old pastor would meet Mom to receive me. Seventh Street would sing. My funeral would fall on my birthday week, making annual grief easy, succinct.

In the fog, that logic seemed kind and efficient. That’s what fog does.

I’d decided to die.

I don't share this because it's easy. I don't share it only because every day since that August has been its own special gift. And I don't share it only to thank the colleagues-turned-friends who saved my life, though I owe Seth, Heather, and Josh more than an article can hold.

I share it because too many of my mission-driven colleagues are quietly too close to the edge, barreling toward it, or already standing on it, and they are too successful for anyone to notice just how far gone they might be. I was seemingly at the pinnacle when I reached mine.

And the numbers say I'm not being dramatic and that things are getting more dangerous. The CDC’s weekly numbers show the suicide rate among working-age adults has risen about 33% over the last two decades, and private studies from companies like Champion Health show thoughts of suicide or self-harm are up from 8% to 13% since 2021.

Before I go any further: if you are like I was and are experiencing these thoughts, stop reading. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Come back later and read the rest. It will be here. And I want you to be here too.

I'm actually dedicating this article to you. I'm also sharing more than I normally would online, in the hope it helps. Here's how I worked my way to the edge and back. It's a realer story – one I am not 100% sure I should tell.

How Work Helped Trigger My Suicide Attempt

I've been in some version of my 2017 situation three times in my career. I'm going to describe it in general terms. That keeps us focused on the point here, and it protects some of the people and organizations involved.

In 2017, my experiences with people at work led me to believe that my career, and my life, weren't worth it anymore. I was the most committed person on the team. I was living the alleged dream: doing work I loved with people I thought cared about me. Then, that year things changed. It felt like the environment turned on me, and the results I had worked to create at a revolutionary company were out of reach.

It was a perfect storm: a market shift, new leadership, doing at least 3 different jobs, and five months of conferences, congressional meetings, and a company-saving product launch left me exhausted with no room to recover on the calendar.

Add to it being the only Black person in leadership (maybe on the team at that time) and thousands of miles from friends and family. There’s more on that below.  

From the outside in, it looked like we were winning with new customers, revenue, and a big new vision.

That gap between how things looked and how they felt for me is exactly what should worry every executive who cares about their employees. The World Health Organization estimates that 11% of depression worldwide is attributable to work. Work is not a neutral place. It either feeds people or it depletes them.

Hard Lessons I Learned Trying to Save My Life (and Relationship with Work)

The personal philosophy that has helped me, which I’m learning research backs up, is simple: we make really good decisions when we're in really good shape, and we can't be in good shape until we've dealt with our humanity.

I’m happy to share that despite 12+ close personal funerals in 12 months (I’ve stopped counting) and a series of family health challenges, I have smiled more this year than I have in any year since 2017. And I am down 40 pounds and stronger than I ever thought I’d be (no matter what the Hyrox cameras say).

And because I am me, I could give you my thesis through the lens of academics, memes, or faith.

But, to make it simple – I believe humans can only work miracles safely after they’ve taken the time to be human.

That is the major hurdle I see in business, in leadership, and in our lives. Many of us are sick from battle and not giving ourselves the chance to be human and get well. That, more than strategy or funding, is what's keeping us from the next level of success and embracing the constant of change.

If you don’t read any further, whether you’ve experienced thoughts of self-harm or not, that is my ask of you – that you focus on getting well; and do it sooner rather than later.

Take the walk. Make time for the meal. Get some fresh air. And remember there’s no medicine or substance that replaces sleep.

And, if you have five more minutes, spend some time reflecting on these five realities I learned.

Lesson 1. Toxic Is Not a Place; It's a Decision Made by People

I’ve heard so much talk about "toxic workplaces" as if the building or brand is at fault. They aren’t. In one study of U.K. health and university staff, the most common stressors they experienced were too much work (63%), a bad working atmosphere (28%), and poor work-home balance (32%) – and work stress was significantly associated with suicidal ideation. 

Each of those factors comes from decisions people make.

Whether you’re in charge, a peer to someone experiencing challenges, or braving the fog, here’s my take: every day, each person helps develop culture and gives an organization its shape.  

Every morning, every meeting, every interaction, every conflict is an opportunity to give the organization its shape.

If you can’t improve it, take a break and come back with a win in mind. If you can’t, then save yourself. Leaving is ok (and sometimes the best thing you can do for others and for you).

Lesson 2. What's Eating You Shows Up on Your Plate and in the Essentials

Before I ever reckoned with the edge and my struggles, there were signs I was headed in the wrong direction. I had one role in my career where I noticed that I made two trips to the snack machine anytime a certain topic was brought up in a meeting – a topic core to my role. If you wonder where the 40 pounds came from, the answer is on my calendar.

Distress shows up in how we address the basics: water, food, sleep, and movement.

If you lead people or are worried about a colleague, watch for alarming habits. The high performer who has stopped eating lunch, the person who is maxed out on accruing vacation, and the ones who have lost their commitment. Those are warning signs.

One of my most “awesome” senior-team colleagues and I made a commitment at one organization to start addressing every conflict with “are you ok?” or “how are you?” And my most recent direct reports will tell you they were sick of my weekly “check-in and shout-outs” routine until it gave them what they needed to get through.

Lesson 3. Minutiae Are Microaggressions, and They Add Up

Being the only Black person in leadership comes with a tax that rarely shows up on an org chart. For me, it often took the form of minutiae: extra scrutiny of small things, nitpicking my tone, second-guessing details while I carried the load of three jobs, and the assumption that I would always dig in to help with a challenge (even on 20 consecutive Friday nights or carrying a laptop to brunch). Any one instance is easy to dismiss. Together, they tell you that no amount of performance will ever be enough.

This isn't just a feeling. CDC data shows suicide rates rose significantly among Black Americans from 2018 to 2023, including a 29.2% increase among those aged 25 to 44.

Research has linked race-based discrimination and microaggressions to higher rates of depression and suicide among Black people – including a Clemson study that found young adults who experienced discrimination daily were more likely to report having attempted suicide.

For leaders, the implication is direct: watching for and responding to small signs of racism are two of the most important activities you can lead on a diverse staff.

Sidebar: And your team should be diverse. Talent comes in every shade, age, orientation, and ability these days, and always has.

If you're a person of color and struggling, your need for mental health support is heightened compared to others at work. That’s not just a feeling.

Lesson 4. We Look and Feel Like the Decisions That We Make

In 2017, I made a lot of decisions while I was in terrible shape: tripling my responsibilities, not going home for four months, saying yes to every speaking engagement because the company needed it. Each choice was defensible on its own. Together, they turned me into someone who believed that disappearing was a reasonable business decision.

That is how it works. We look like, and feel like, the decisions we make. Exhausted people make exhausted decisions. In one study of health care workers, suicide cognitions rose steadily with hours worked, peaking among those working more than 12 hours a day.

The same is true for organizations. I once had a boss who told me his whole strategy was this: take really good care of the team, and the team will take care of the stuff.

And this year I have turned it into coaching of my own to teams, my family, and friends – “you’re the answer to a lot of things. Take care of the answer and remember that we look like the decisions we make.”

Lesson 5. Therapy Is Fuel, Not Just a Fix

My friends intervened. That was the miracle. Therapy is what kept the miracle going.

I used to think of therapy like a repair shop: you go when something is broken and leave when it's fixed. Now I think of it as fuel. It's regular, unglamorous maintenance that keeps me capable of doing hard things (thanks, “WT” and “J from LA” if you’re reading this). Getting help as a response to change (which is always happening) matters. According to a BMC Public Health article, Black young adults with positive attitudes toward seeking mental health help were 34% less likely to attempt suicide.

I am nine years past my suicide attempt. And I’m still going. I’m still making hard calls, staying on watch, and defending myself against the work stress and choices that made me think it was all over.  

A Closing Word to My Most Important Reader

You made it to the end of this post (and hopefully called 988), and that matters. You matter. 

You've already taken a big step toward a better life.

I know it may not feel like it. I know how you feel, because I've felt it.

If I'm honest, sometimes all I've felt is how uphill the fight is. But that doesn't mean you aren't winning. You are, probably by more than you'll be able to see for a few months or even years.

Stay in the mindset that feelings aren't facts. Bad is a moment. Your feelings about ending your life are a sign that you're tired, or sick, or working in the wrong place, and there are remedies for all of those things.

As a first step, celebrate this win. Share what you're going through with a therapist and a trusted friend. And please don't blow out the light in you that we all need, because you matter in this world.

Get well soon.

Postscript: Thank and Donate with Me

Join me in a special thank-you by following and donating to my colleagues at Grambling State University, the Center for Community Progress, and the staff of the International Association of Blacks in Dance, which has something special to share with the world very soon.

The trust and support I received while working (hard) for these organizations helped save my life, and they are three of the most special causes the world has seen.

All of these places are still on my balance sheet, in my heart, and are among the best parts of my career story.

CREDIT: Photo by Mitch on Unsplash.

More About Jovan

 For nearly two decades, Jovan’s work has helped CEOs, startups, and non-profits navigate the inflection point where strategy has to become real for customers and connections — helping brands and sector leaders, including Zillow, Trulia, HBCUs, and federally funded initiatives, make history as they drive change.

Jovan Hackley